Monday...Blues?

I was annoyingly distracted at the restaurant of an issue that's been agonizing me this year. Due to my inability to halt a component in my system called 'feelings', I am therefore suffering the consequences. Closure has always been something I've had trouble achieving but finally rendering it as time goes by. Maybe its actually denial, rather than closure? Could be.

For a while now I've been pretty contented with my personal life as it is. P and I managed to come to an understanding about our feelings. Since then I feel happy because we're still entwined in each other's lives. We miss each other, but we don't say it. We feel it in the tone of our voices. P and I have a funny relationship. We obviously care for each other, but we aren't together. Officially or unofficially. There's still the fluttering heart when we see each other. Still the warm and beautiful moments everytime we're within each other.

The thing is its driving me crazy. Good feelings such as these are so so truly hard to find. So why are we doing this? One part of me just prefers it if this ended, but the other part of me? The other part of me actually sees her vividly in my life. Its like..picture perfect. Too scared to let go of a potentially good thing but also too cautious not to rush into uncertainty.
I play down this feeling. P will be back soon and from there we can slowly see if things work out.

"I might not come back till next year" she says.

She then proceeds to explain about her internship during the summer, holiday with friends and travel itinerary with parents. I was lost for words. All of a sudden my heart sank. We've maintained our confusing-yet-wanting relationship to a cautious extent, whereby we have our commitments in life that take first priority. So there's an understanding which makes us feel great about each other.

Last night's conversation just blew me away. Now I'm really afraid that the perfect momentum we've been maintaining just so to pass over before we can see each other again, will have taken a backseat. Sometimes, the reason we maintain our focus of such a behavior(of not exercizing our true feelings)is because we see a better time for it to happen therefore refrain. What happens now? Its the last day of May and we're talking about 6 months...minimum!

Maybe I should just move on and not linger in this love hazard. I don't know where this is headed and judging from this scenario, it doesn't look like its going to go too smoothly.
So many thoughts are running through my head. Why can't I just go with a person who is physically and mentally available here? Why is it my mind keeps telling me to go deeper, further into the unknown to find out..if I can be happy as I once was.

Just then, the phone rang and I was disconnected from my trip to La La Land.

Our elusive relationship is what propels me to want it to happen. Distance is a barrier, and true to its Thai saying -"Rak Tae Pae Klai Chid" (True love succumbs to close proximity).